Recently Fox News reported about a 12-year old student who was arrested for writing on a desk.  Proponents of strict consequences for students who break school rules believe that if they are tough on early offenses, students are less likely to move on to more heinous crimes.  Unfortunately, the opposite is true.  Research shows that the best punishment is a punishment that fits the crime.  Punishment that is either too lenient or too strict is not effective.  When children are given punishments that are too strict they feel helpless and unsure of their environment.  The world does not seem fair and ordered, it seems arbitrary and unfair.  When children feel there is no fair justice or reasonable consequences they are more likely to act out.

This story reminds me of an incident with one of my own children many years ago.  My child was in high school, and was accused of defacing a textbook.  The book was shown to my husband and me and it had many words written in it, including quite a few offensive words.  As a teacher I know this is not uncommon.  Quite often I have students bring me books that have had inappropriate things written or drawn in them.  As a teacher, I also know it is nearly impossible to catch the actual perpetrator of the act.  Teachers are often in a room with upwards of 30 students (or more), and it is just impossible to monitor what each student is doing and continue to teach.  Our child took some of the responsibility for the defacement, but not all, and the school proposed suspension.  We felt that restoration of the item was a much more fitting consequence.  The school agreed that if the book was paid for by all offending students that this would be sufficient.  We paid the fee, and made arrangements for our child to work off the price.

A child who writes on a desk, or in a book, should be given a consequence that fits the crime.  In my room, that student would stay after school and wash all my desks.  This is a job that might take 10-15 minutes.  Writing on a desk, or on any other item, is not a terribly heinous crime, it is more a momentary lapse in judgment.  At some point in their childhood many of today’s upstanding citizens probably stooped to writing or carving their names into some surface.  If this sort of action is dealt with early, chances are it will never escalate into more heinous activities, such as tagging or seriously defacing public property.

The other element of this story that is problematic is the fact that the girl was arrested.  Some people in our society, including some parents, feel that if children get a taste of what it is like to be arrested early on they will be less likely to commit crimes.  Research shows that the opposite is often true.  Children who get a view of prison or prisoners up-close and personal, often start thinking that it is not really all that bad.  Years ago there was an approach called “Scared Straight” where young people were taken to prisons and told all of the terrors of life in prison, by the prisoners themselves.  It was thought that if prisoners told young people who were on a dangerous path just how terrible it was to be in their shoes they would change their ways.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  Even though the program was touted as successful, and anecdotal evidence seemed to show promise, studies show that this was not true.  Studies not only showed that the program failed to deter crime, some showed that it may have escalated the incidence of it.

The best road to help children behave appropriately is to hold them accountable for their actions, teach them correct principles and behavior patterns and require them to make appropriate restitution for damage that they inflict.  This is true not only in school settings, but in family settings as well.

On January 25th I posted the results of an online quiz that I took on identifying my parenting style. When my husband read the results he thought they were harsh, but clinically accurate. This parenting style is often described as the “no-nonsense workaholic” who is best at “emergency-mode parenting” and providing discipline where it is needed. Too often, however, strong-willed children eventually rebel against this parenting style if the parent doesn’t learn to balance expressive warmth with the authoritative discipline.

This does not sound like an ideal style to raising well-adjusted children. I thought long and hard about why my style is authoritative and yet we have had good results with our children. We have never had to operate in an emergency-mode. Rather the opposite has been our experience. When a strong structure is applied there tends to be less emergency-mode situations. Within our family guidelines we have a lot of flexibility. It is important to recognize the difference between authoritarian and authoritative. I really think the description for authoritative, as used in the quiz, describes authoritarian. I have been looking for a better (more accurate) definition.

Tonight I came across another blog that also discussed parenting styles. The author states: “Basically, there are four styles of parenting: authoritarian, authoritative (sometimes called egalitarian), permissive, and uninvolved.” I continued to read and found this gem in ther last paragraph: “Authoritative parenting is a balanced parenting style, with both high structure and high responsiveness. The parents are engaged and flexible, but they are still the parents. Structure rules, limits and boundaries is (sic) present, but not rigid.”

This is a much better definition than the one originally presented with the quiz.

For more details on a good article please visit http://motherguides.com/different-styles-of-parenting-which-one-is-best/

One of the most stressful issues facing young parents is determining when they need to have THE TALK with their children. This topic recently came up in a Facebook discussion and stirred some memories.

The first thing to realize is that children need truthful information. If you are uncomfortable when they ask questions they will become reluctant to ask you. If you deceive them in any way they will doubt you.

The next thing to realize is that you CAN, and should, be truthful without giving every detail. When your 3 year-old comes to you and asks,” Mommy, where do babies come from?” How will you respond? A wise friend shared with me that as a young mother she simply said, “The baby is in mommies tummy and when she is ready to come out mommy has some special muscles to help push her out.” The child was satisfied and his question was answered and trust and belief maintained.

Find out what they know, ask them if they have questions, and then add to their knowledge. By the time they are 8 or 9, about five years before they really need to know everything, they should know everything. You don’t want those playground conversations to be traumatic and misleading to your child.

What are your thoughts and experiences?